Vampire Story
by King Jacko
Summary: It was stupid, really...Duo cooked a pizza, but what he didn't know hurt him (and Heero, and several colonies). An evil ingredient that he didn't know about changes him and Heero into were-vampires every full moon. Now Quatre is their only hope...
1. Default Chapter Title

Vampire Story   
An AU horror/humor fic  
by King Jacko   
  
  
Jacko's Note: Gundam Wing belongs to Sunrise, and anything that's not mine belongs to whoever. ALL CHARACTERS ARE OOC! This is my first fanfiction EVER, I know it sucks, but what the heck, review as you like, BUT DAMN REVIEW!!! My sister Lynne-   
Lynne: Hopes that Jacko-   
Linnea: hasn't gotten in over his head.   
Lynne: Muse, shut up! I hope that Jacko's story is really good-  
Linnea: Yeah, right-   
Jacko: Be quiet, sister, and you stupid muse. (they are quiet.) At last, peace and quiet.(clears throat and speaks with announcer's voice) LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT IS NOW TIME FOR THE FEATURE PRESENTATION. (lights dim) WAIT, THIS ISN'T A MOVIE! (lights go back on, and voices fade.) Arigato, minna-san, and enjoy the show, er, story.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter One: The Pizza that Changed Everything  
One time, Duo (a bad cook as he is) made a pizza with a dash of garlic powder (which was actually evil changing powder that makes you turn into a were-vampire at every full moon.) Duo ate almost all the pizza...Heero, being mistrustful of Duo's cooking, had only a little piece.   
{Linnea: Available at all witchcraft, wizard, sorcery, and grocery stores for the low price of your firstborn child. A little dab will do ya.   
Lynne: Be quiet, it's good so far.   
Jacko: SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP, OR I WILL FEED YOU, LINNEA,TO MY PET MANTICORA SCOTT!   
(there is silence)   
Linnea: (to Lynne) What's a manticora?   
Lynne: You don't want to know.}   
That night (of course) was a full moon. And you can guess what happened.   
{Linnea: Nani?   
Lynne: (sigh)...   
Jacko: SHUT UP OR SHIP OUT!}   
Two were-vampires rampaging across the colony of L-1 were reported all over the news. Later that night, estimated totals of destruction: 3.6 billion credits in damage, 1,000 people homeless, 21 tragically injured people, and 100 less injured: and that wasn't all.   
The next morning, the destruction had gone up from the estimate. The official totals: 5.6 billion credits in damage, 2,000 people homeless, 42 tragically injured: and 200 less injured. And the two "people" responsible had no memory of this night whatsoever.   
{Linnea: THAT'S WRONG!! THAT'S SO WRONG!!   
Lynne: (sigh)...   
Jacko: I HAVEN'T FED SCOTT IN A WEEK...AND YOU KNOW, HE'S KIND OF HUNGRY   
Scott the Manticora: GROWWLLL! (saliva drips from his mouth).}   
One month later, it happened again, on the colony L-2. Official totals: doubled from the L-1 disaster. Colony officials in every colony are getting desperate to find a way to dispose of these menaces (not knowing who they are) and call Quatre back from his (very well-deserved and needed) vacation. Quatre notices that the two were-vampires wear very familiar clothes (ragged though by the end of the night, according to all accounts and pictures on the news): one wears a priest's outfit and has a long braid, and the other wears a green tank top and black shorts. And he figured out the identity of the w-vampires: they were none other than Heero and Duo. But since they were his friends, he couldn't tell the authorities who they are, for they would kill them. And since one of his sisters is an enchantress and another a sorceress, he knew of the strange evil powder.   
{Linnea: Must I repeat what I said about the powder being available at grocery stores, and-  
Jacko: CAN IT, YOU BITCH!!!   
Lynne: (sigh) Can I leave?   
Jacko: (does his Mel Gibson imitation) NO, YOU ARE STAYING RIGHT HERE, AND KEEPING YOUR ASS IN THAT CHAIR!!!}   
His two white witch sisters study a sample of the powder that Quatre (when he went into Duo's apartment when neither Heero or Duo was home) got for them. They studied it for the next month, hoping to find a cure. And they did: but only an empath could give them the cure.   
" We have a cure." Sami Winner said to her younger brother.   
" Terrific, give it to me so I can give it to them!" Quatre said.   
" Problem. Only an empath can cure them, and where are you going to find an empath before the next full moon?" Melissa, the enchantress, said.   
" Did you two conveniently forget that I AM an empath?!" Quatre replied, a little less than polite in his eager desire to get his friends back to normal (or as normal as Heero and Duo could get).   
"Oh, yeah." Sami said sheepishly. "The cure is hold your hands up and say the magic words."   
Quatre thought this strange advice, but memorized it. " Why can't you two do it?"   
" 'Lissa is an enchantress, and I'm a sorceress." Sami said. " We AREN'T empaths."   
Quatre sighed...   
That same night was the full moon. Quatre stood on the hill, on the L-3 colony, where his uchuu no kokoro told him that Heero and Duo would go next.   
//I hope this works.// he thought. But he had a nagging feeling that it wouldn't...  
End Chapter  
  
Preview of Next Chapter:   
Will the CURE work? Will HEERO and DUO die? Will QUATRE die trying to save his friends? Will the COLONY blow up? Will LINNEA ever shut up? Will KING JACKO feed her to his pet (very hungry) manticora, SCOTT? Find out on the next exciting episode-oops, wrong show-hey, will there be a next chapter?   
Scott the Dark Prince (the MUSE of Jacko, not the same as the MANTICORA): Yes!   
Well, tune in, for whatever's next.   



	2. Default Chapter Title

Vampire Story   
by King Jacko  
  
J.N.- Complete disclaimer on part one. This is the LAST CHAPTER. There is a self-insertion, so watch out...(insert drumroll here)  
King Jacko: It is I, King Jacko, with the LAST CHAPTER to the story.   
Lynne: Can I leave?   
Jacko: (does his Arnold Schwartznegger imitation) NO! YOU ARE KEEPING YOUR ASS FIRMLY IN THAT CHAIR!   
Linnea: Can I annoy you?   
Jacko: SCOTT'S HUNGRY...  
Scott the Manticora: GRROWWLL!!(saliva drips from his mouth)   
Linnea: EEEEEEEPPPPPP!!! (faints)   
Lynne: (rolls her eyes, sighs, and sweatdrops) ...   
Linnea: (wakes up) ...   
Jacko: Scott needs some exercise, I'll let him out of his cage.   
Linnea: (screams loudly enough to wake the dead, or even Vincent Valentine) NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Jacko: Yep, here he is. SCOTT!!!!   
(Scott trots into view, ignores the hysterical muse and her stoic authoress, and heads straight for the messy cabinet.)   
Sami: NOOO!! THAT'S WHERE 'LISSA AND I KEEP OUR MAGIC SUPPLIES!! AND THAT'S WHERE THE SAMPLE OF EVIL CHANGING POWDER IS!!   
(the can of powder falls out of the cabinet, empty.)   
Linnea: NOOO!!! SCOTT'S GONNA TURN INTO A WERE-VAMPIRE!! I LIKED HIM BETTER AS A HUNGRY MANTICORA!!!  
Melissa: Scott's a magic creature: enchantments don't affect him like they do us. He might not turn into a were-vampire.   
Linnea: (hysterically) THEN WHAT WILL HE TURN INTO?!!!!!   
(there is darkness for a moment)   
Jacko: ON WITH THE FEATURE PRESENTATION!! (the lights dim) HEY, THIS ISN'T A MOVIE!!! I HATE REPEATING MYSELF!! (lights come back on)  
Linnea: NOOO!! I'M GOING TO GET EATEN!!!  
Lynne: (smacks her muse across the face) GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, ONNA!!!   
Linnea: I'M GOING TO GET EATEN!!!  
  
  
  
  
Chapter Two: Mess of Magic   
Quatre stood on the hill in the L-3 colony, his empathic senses reaching outward, to find Heero and Duo.   
" I hope this works." Quatre said, remembering how eccentric his somewhat-crazed sisters could be. Carefully-his ears grating at the sounds of destruction-he held his hands up. "The magic words."   
Nothing happened.   
"Shimatta!" The Arabian said. "Sami, Melissa-why couldn't you have been more specific?"   
{Linnea: I'M GOING TO GET EATEN!!!  
Lynne: GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN!!!  
Jacko: SHUT UP!!!   
Linnea: I'M GOING TO GET EATEN!!!  
Lynne: GET A DAMN HOLD OF YOURSELF, STUPID ONNA!!!  
Jacko: Time to remedy this situation...(vanishes in a puff of smoke)   
Linnea: I'M GOING TO GET EATEN!!!  
Lynne: Who would eat YOU?}   
Quatre groaned, burying his head in his hands. "Now what am I going to do?"   
The sounds of destruction were rapidly getting closer. Quatre knew that in a "normal" situation, he would lose a fight with the "normal" Heero and Duo. But in this situation, when they were were-vampires...he'd probably get very hurt, or even die trying to stop them.   
" Well, c'est la vie." The blonde said. "Now what?"   
Suddenly, the author appears in a puff of smoke.   
" Damn, never trust those fools who sell you Passage Rings for instantaneous travel." King Jacko said, brushing at his jeans and green T-shirt, and trying to smooth down his unruly dark brown hair that had shocked itself into spikes during his travel.   
" Who are you?" Quatre asked.   
" I'm King Jacko, the author. Your sisters are stupid: they told you the wrong magic words." King Jacko said.   
Quatre thought for a moment, remembering another set of magic words his sisters had told him. He raised his hands again, not confident in these words' abilities: with his sisters' track record of screwing up spells and causing havoc unintentionally, what chance did THESE words have to do the RIGHT thing?   
"Abracadabra." The blonde said, not being excitedly. Nothing happened.   
"NOT THOSE WORDS!!!" Jacko said. "The RIGHT words are "Feel the good."   
Quatre's brow furrowed in confusion. "Those are the right words? Are you sure?"   
" Of course. I AM the author, after all." Jacko said.   
Quatre sighed...thinking of the worst that could happen, he raised his hands. Not very excitedly, he whispered the words that Jacko had told him. "Feel the good."   
This time, something happened. The sounds of destruction stopped, and Heero and Duo were gone...the power of the (RIGHT!!!) spell had removed the curse forever and sent them back to L-2.   
" Thank you, Jacko." Quatre yelled.   
" No thanks needed. Your sisters are really crazy, and I knew you needed help. Besides, the story wouldn't have ended." Jacko took a deep breath and muttured under his breath. "Besides, if you had died, my sister would have killed me: you are her favorite character, despite the fact that she tortures and kills you all the time in her fics." The young author cleared his throat. "Goodbye, Quatre." Jacko vanished into midair...   
{Linnea: I'M GOING TO BE EATEN!!!  
Jacko: I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR WHINING!!   
Linnea: I'M GOING TO BE EATEN!!!  
(suddenly, the human version of Scott the Manticora, a teenager named Scott Simmers, AKA Chibi2 walks into the room, holding a Magic: the Gathering card between his index finger and thumb.)   
Chibi2: I'm not going to eat anyone.   
(the whole room goes silent.)   
Lynne: Chibi2, YOU were my brother's pet manticora?   
Chibi2: Yeah. Those two (jerks his head toward Sami and Melissa) screwed up one of their spells and I got turned into one of my own Magic cards. (he reveals the card as the Manticora card) It was just my luck that I was holding the MANTICORA card at the time.   
Jacko: I called you Scott because I thought you reminded me of someone. I didn't know you were the REAL Scott at the time.   
Chibi2: You are a lousy caretaker.   
Jacko: Sorry!!   
Chibi2: I ate the garlic powder because I was hungry and Linnea wouldn't taste good, and I don't eat my friends. And I knew that there was a chance that it would restore me to my normal form AND I wouldn't lose this card.   
Lynne: Speaking of cards, do you want to play a game of Magic?   
Chibi2: OK. (Chibi2 gets out his Wildfire deck, and Lynne gets out her all-white deck of Magic: the Gathering cards. The two begin to play).   
Linnea: I'M GOING TO BE EATEN!!!  
Jacko: I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR SASSY, HYSTERICAL MOUTH! SHUT YOUR TRAP OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!!!  
Linnea: (continues wailing) I'M-  
Jacko: (picks her up and throws her out the window) Finally, peace and quiet.   
Lynne: (biting her lip in concentration, and turns several of her Plains mana sideways, "tapping" them.) I'll put the Brilliant Halo into play.   
Chibi2: Are you done?   
Lynne: No. (taps more of her mana) I'll put this Glittering Lion into play.   
Chibi2: Are you done?   
Lynne: NO, NOT YET! (pushes forward several of her cards) I'll attack you for 10. Do you block?   
Chibi2: (pushes forward two of his cards) I'll block you for 5. This dies (takes it out of play) but this (pulls it back) still lives. Are you done yet?   
Lynne: NOW I'M DONE!!  
Jacko: Could you build me a deck?   
Chibi2: Sure. (takes Jacko's cards and begins building his deck while taking his turn.)   
Linnea: (outside) I'M GOING TO BE EATEN!!!  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
